Ghosts of Christmas Past & FutureEveryone is gone today. They have either gone to work or gone shopping, respectively. I’ve had this quiet time to play with the cat fo one thing and reflect for another. Right now the Christmas tree is up in the living room. It irritates Boo, as cats are used to things being a certain way and dislike change. In that regard, the entire year has been hard for her. She has moved to a new house and seen my eldest niece, with whom she has bonded, leave for college. I am sympathetic, as I have moved to this new home, too, and am without anyone I have “bonded” with in the past, either because of death or distance. I have a different beef with the Christmas tree--there are no presents under it. I’ve always thought that was depressing.
In my previous life, we always bought presents and stacked them in an unused room in the back of the house. We usually started shopping in Octoberr or so, as well, for specially requested items. At no point was out tree ever without presents. We often took the tree on Christmas day just because. None of us ever went for the idea that it is bad luck to take the tree down before New Year’s. Considering how life turned out for all of us, maybe we should have. You know what? That sort of good holiday tradition happened so long ago, I can’t even tell you the last year every fell into place. Could it have been 1990? That’s possible. I remember some of the last family “heart-to-hearts” before everyone said the heck with it and started doing their own thing a few months later.
I’m not being materialistic when I say I lament a tree without presents. It has been years since anyone around me actually celebrated a real Christmas to the point I no longer cared about the giving or receiving of gifts. When I said above that everyone started to do their own thing, I included myself in it. Whenever I wanted anything, I just went out and got it, no matter what time of the year. I’ve never been an extravagant shopper, so who cares if I did? While I do lament the loss of family fellowship for the last 14 years, I have to admit it has helped me embrace the spiritual aspects of Christmas. Ironic I know, considering it is really a pagan holiday and jesus was most likely born in the Spring. (Shepherds don’t keep their flocks out in December.) I think--without ego--that I appreciated it more than many of my devout friends who got caught up in the gimme gimme of the season.
Not to say that I don’t do the same. I ran out and bought anything I wanted without consulting anyone else at any point. That surely fits someone’s definition of materialistic. Consider me contradicting myself or being judgmental if you wish. I won’t argue with it. I’m just putting my thoughts down for myself and interested parties to see.
I used to feel this sense of melancholy around the holidays in the past. My family had fallen apart. I knew no one was going to be there except mother who’d hit the bottle three or four days before Christmas and stay there until I left for vollege, my apartment, or law school, depending upon the year. I always thought I was eventually going to escape. One day, I’d have my own house, my own brood who would never look at me in anger for ruining their childhood memories. Kids forget much of the year passed their birthdays and Christmas. It isn’t fair to take thoe days away from them.
Alas, that is not meant to be. I can only wonder if I would have made my future family’s holiday’s special or if I would have just corrupted them into another generation of gimme gimme. I always thought my disabilities were going to make that aspect of life hard. I never discusse it with anyone and sunk my claws into anyone who dared insinuate anything about it. Maybe subconsciously, I knew it was impossible, but I never let on I thought that way. I always assumed their would be someone out there anyway. It never dawned on me life was going to end this way, with me staring at a bare Christmas tree, petting a cat that isn’t even mine, while everyone else gone on about their lives. From here on out, no less.
I suppose there is a certain inevitableness to this. Everyone hit’s a wall at some point in their lives. I’ve had a heck of a lot more chances than most, and think I played a good game with the hand I was dealt. I’m grateful for the good times. I wish I had embraced them more. I’m even grateful for the lessons learned about the rotten times. I’ve have mixed emotions when I meet optimistic, naïve people. For one I am irritated that I have learning experiences scarred ion me that they’ve only seen on After School Specials, yet I am glad they were spared the angst that haunts me. Sometimes I suspect I have taken affliction just so someone else soft could be spared. I don’t say so in self pity or a sense of heroism, just as a matter of symmetry.
On the first day of class as a political science major, my professor got up and said, “The definition of politics is the allocation of scarce resources: who gets what, when, how and at what cost. That will be the first question on your final exam. Miss it, and you fail the course.” That was ingrained in every last one of u throughout the four years with toiled with the subject. In my own mind, I extened the definition to the intangibles. There is only so much love, peace, faith, health, and hope to go around. For someone to get it, someone else has to do without. I don’t know how valid that is, mind you. I always thought it had a sense of poetry about it, so I floated the idea about to anyone who cared to hear about armchair philosophy. I’ve bounced it around in my mind again in these last few months. I still wonder how true it is.
If it is true, then I guess I am glad someone out there is happier than they would otherwise be while I struggle. I wish I had a warmer heart in saying that, as Christ would want me to, but I really can’t. I’m fallible, weak, and weary. It is the best I can do, but at least I have it all out in the open now. Whatever the next weeks and months bring for me, whatever existence I eke out, I keep this thought in mind: the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Have you ever really thought about that? What it truly means? The heart attitude it calls upon you to have should certain dire circumstances arise? I never did in my previous life, no matter how bad things got. No I do. Knowledge can be a dangerous, costly thing to seek, particularly spiritual knowledge. O know that now, and I am going to be keenly aware of it the remainder of my days. I suppose in the grand scheme o things, that is highly worthwhile. Much of me still regrets how things have turned out. Emotionally, anyway. Logically--blessed be the name of the Lord.